The Many Versions of You
Self-reflection is a powerful tool, let me tell you.
Recently, I started feeling such a heavy weight on my chest. I experienced this pressure and lukewarm discomfort for a while—I want to say at least over the past couple of weeks.
Why? I had absolutely no clue until last night. I was finally able to pinpoint the pain, and that weight swiftly lifted from my chest. I was free, and this time I believed it.
If there’s anything I’ve learned through my countless psychology classes and therapy sessions it’s that your past experiences and traumas still impact your life. Sometimes, you may not even realize this until later.
Your subconscious influences your decisions more than you may think.
I didn’t realize there was still a small part of myself fighting to rewrite the past through a present experience.
Once I recognized this connection, it was a true lightbulb moment. I sat in my bed completely stunned. I couldn’t write anymore; I couldn’t even think. I was just in pure shock. I stayed like this for at least 10 minutes.
Sometimes, the hurts you thought you moved on from still find a way to stay present in your life.
Think about how you handle relationships—how you cope with uncertainty. You usually respond based on past experiences and memories.
For me, I was responding to a situation through the wound of the 18-year-old version of myself without even realizing it. The signs were right in front of me in blinding lights. Once I made the connection; everything made complete sense. I finally got it.
When you grow up in a chaotic environment, the loud noises, uncertainty and rollercoaster of emotions morph into comfort.
If life is silent and calm, that’s when my brain thinks something is wrong. I see chaos as calmness because I never experienced the luxury of prolonged safeness.
This is a hard thing for me to unlearn, but I’m slowly getting there. Last night was one of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had in a while.
That 18-year-old girl inside of me deserved so much more; all she wanted was to be loved and accepted. Those wounds take time to heal.
So, be kind to yourself—every single version. Eight-year-old you needs just as much kindness and care as your present self. The weight of your past selves lives within you, but you also have the strength and knowledge to overcome these mental obstacles. You are so much more than what’s happened to you; you just have to believe it.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Abbey C.