Restless
I wrote a poem over a year ago around 2 a.m. in my college dorm.
I wrote it for myself, as a reminder. There was no way I could have anticipated how much I would need that reminder today.
At the time, I was a college freshman that just returned from winter break. It was constantly wet and dreary outside; I was struggling to find purpose in my monotonous gen-ed coursework and cold walks to class.
For some reason, I was terrified that I was missing what God wanted for me. I wanted to serve Him with all that I was, and how was I doing that by eating cookies in the cafeteria? How was I doing that by learning about photosynthesis for the 17th time? How was I doing that by laughing with friends into the wee hours of the night?
I wasn’t in a foreign country living in a hut and ministering to an unreached people group. Should I drop out of school and do that? Every day, I would plead with the Lord to guide me, terrified that I wasn’t where He wanted me.
It even invaded my life so much that it filled me with a daily anxiety I hadn’t felt before. I couldn’t enjoy the life right in front of me because I was too worried about everywhere except for the very spot I was.
But one night, in a moment of clarity, I realized something. Why was I assuming God wasn’t answering my repeated prayers for guidance? Why did I think He wasn’t already faithfully guiding me every step of my life? Why did I think I wasn’t already exactly where He wanted me?
Maybe I am supposed to live in a hut in a jungle someday. But that time is not right now. I realized that there is purpose in living life where God put me.
Micah 6:8 says “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
Yes, I can walk humbly with my God in a foreign country, but I can also walk humbly with my God on my college campus; or, in light of recent unexpected events such as a pandemic, even at my parents’ house.
I don’t think anyone foresaw the drastic effects Coronavirus would have on all of our lives. For many, it feels like we were suddenly put on hold. All of a sudden, I was doing class from my childhood bedroom, couldn’t see my friends, and couldn’t work. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel of monotony. The feelings of worry that I was missing what God had for me suddenly came flooding back.
And again, I had to remember to trust that he was leading me, even now.
The well-known and oft-repeated Psalm 23 opens with the confident assertion, “The Lord is my shepherd.” A few verses later it says “He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name sake.” The image here is of a shepherd tenderly guiding his flock with his staff, pulling back the ones who start to wander, guiding them towards lush, green pastures.
Trust is not always understanding. Even if I cannot see what He is doing in my life, I must trust that the Good Shepherd is leading me on paths for His glory and my good.
Even here, in the midst of coronavirus craziness, civil unrest, and massive uncertainty, I have so much to be thankful for: extra time with my family that I love, old friends I could meet in my high school parking lot (and sit six feet apart from, of course), a sweet boyfriend who lives in my hometown, and time to rest and think. I realized it’s ok to enjoy the good things God has given me. “Every good and perfect gift is from above,” James 1:17 says. God is a good father; He delights in our joy.
And even here, I can bring glory to Him. I can be a loyal friend, a loving sister, and a dedicated student and employee. I can even glorify Him by being still and resting (Psalm 46:10, Genesis 2:2-3). I need to be faithful in the little things before I can be trusted with much (Parable of the Talents- Matthew 25:23).
The best I can do is walk humbly with my God, accept what He gives me with gratitude and joy, and seize the ministry opportunities He provides. I must continue to pray for guidance, but while still trusting that He is currently guiding me.
Below are the late-night poetic ramblings of a college freshman.
As night onward marches
Into the pale embrace of morning light
Restless is my soul
When resting I should be
In a thousand places at once
Wondering to which of them I should go
I want to climb a mountain
Learn a language
Meet a thousand million people
Write and write and write
Live life oh so richly
I cry out for guidance
Where should I go
What should I do
Who should I be
Why does my guide
So silent seem
But then
As the pale light rubs away the night
I suddenly see
A mountain is climbed step by step
A language is learned word by word
A friend is made day by day
A book is written page by page
In the daily in the little things
When the peak towards which I climb
Is shrouded in cloud
I lift my eyes and see naught else before me
Than the feet of my Guide
Because why ever did I think
That he wasn’t leading me now
My soul quiets
And with joy and peace
For trust is not always understanding
I look down at my feet
And take the next step
Though I can see nothing ahead
But the humble cloud
Of his daily guidance
Trust His process. Never forget you’re exactly where you need to be.
Sincerely, Hannah
Photography: Hannah B.