Inability to Love
Love: a blinding experience that can make or break you.
In my case, it broke me for a long time. I hated myself, didn’t think I was good enough, and felt completely alone.
Loneliness was a powerful time in my life. The numbness and suffocating confusion I felt was almost unbearable. There were countless nights I fell asleep crying; it basically became a norm for about a year and a half.
While I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, it did have its positives. I actually became confident and loved myself truly. I started realizing I wasn’t the entire problem, love is a two-person job.
We both made mistakes. First off, we shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship so young. All I thought about was simply checking that off my list, but I can admit I wasn’t mature enough for one yet. No one is at that age.
A big negative to come out of this situation, though, is my inability to love again. I’m currently a junior loving my life and learning about all my passions. My college friends truly are unmatched. I’ve never felt so supported or seen by my support system. Because of this, meeting someone and forming a romantic connection is the last thing on my mind. Not only is it the last thing, I purposely avoid it.
At first, I thought it was normal to dodge these connections. Everyone does it. Focus on yourself, every self-help blogger says (trust me, I’ve even posted that). Even though this advice is 100% correct, I take it to the extreme. I’m able to admit that.
I think my brain is trying to protect itself, but it’s a downfall of mine. My mind tells me I can never trust someone in that way again. It’s as if the entire experience was a one and done. I tried, and I failed. I assume every man who shows interest in me as an enemy and immediately push them away.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll flirt with a guy for a while. When I’m in the beginning stage, there’s no threat. I don’t have an emotional connection to them; it’s just a get-to-know each other game. When the conversations start hitting the topic of an actual relationship, that’s when the alarms go off in my head.
I had a horrible way of dealing with these blaring warnings. Personally, I absolutely hate confrontation. It’s not fun or easy. Instead of explaining that I’m petrified from past experiences, I used to block a boy on everything.
I haven’t done this in months. Believe me, I realize how wrong and horrible this is. Somehow, it was the only option that seemed reliable in my brain. I would become overwhelmed with anxiety, have a panic attack, and force myself to block them to relieve this fear. It’s almost like if I didn’t cut contact immediately I would be trapped forever; I needed an escape.
You may be thinking, “so, you’ve gotten over this fear, right?” I’d love to say yes to this question, but I’d be lying. Have I gotten better? Yes, but I’m still not vulnerable in that way. Having an inner battle within yourself is a struggle, and you have many ups and downs.
For people in my situation, I have some advice that’s helped me through the dark times.
Put your trust in the Lord.
My relationship has grown tremendously through this setback and I couldn’t be more grateful. Without a strong foundation with Him, nothing will make you feel complete. He takes struggles like this and makes you a stronger version of yourself. Pain always means self-growth, even if it takes you a long time to understand that.
Vulnerability is strength.
Sometimes, you may even need to be vulnerable with yourself. Allowing the walls to build won’t help you get better. Realize exposing your feelings and struggles is the first step to getting better. Recognizing your problems and explaining them to others helps more than you know.
Talk to someone.
If the feelings of overwhelming fear and sadness go on for a long time, get professional health. A therapist is more help than a friend. While a friend is a good start, they can only provide so much advice.
Click here to understand the difference between a normal heartbreak and trauma.
Know you WILL be okay.
When you’re feeling the panic, know it’s temporary. The storm shall pass, and you will be okay. We ride a fine line between happiness and sadness; you will be happy again, no matter how long it takes.
Love can be a beautiful thing, but it also alters your view of the world. How it alters, positive or negative, you need to realize every experience is different. It’s not a quick fix, but you make strides every day to get better. Know you are worthy of love. Be vulnerable. Be bold. Most importantly, be you.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Abbey C.