Flashbacks
One thing I hate admitting is how much I let the past get to me.
I know I’ve been through a lot of traumatic, not-so-normal events throughout my 22 years on this earth, but I wish these memories didn’t bother me as much as they do.
I’ll be straight up: I have flashbacks. I’ll get triggered if a current situation slightly laces with a past trauma.
I’ve had these episodes since I was about 10 years old. It’s nothing new, but it was something I thought I could control until I started therapy. For some reason I thought I could regulate what my brain thinks about at all times, but that’s not true. Intrusive thoughts are called intrusive for a reason.
Not many people have seen me during an attack, but it gets bad. Some days, I may not be able to pick myself up off the floor. I’ll shake for hours and feel completely out of my body, like an outsider looking in. Absolutely no control.
I need to get better at asking friends for help whenever I feel this way, I know. I just don’t want to bother people with my own problems; I hate feeling like a burden.
I’ve gotten better at realizing that this is okay, and it’s going to happen. I do still get mad at myself at times because I’m not “over it,” but I have to remember that anyone who went through what I experienced would be the same way.
Trauma isn’t something you can decide to “get over.” You have to work at coming to terms with the fact that you will still have a little voice in the back of your head reminding you of it. All you can do is learn how to reprogram your nervous system.
The only reason you have an overreaction (at least in my case) is because your body is trying to protect you from danger. If you’ve experienced trauma, that natural response will usually be heightened for a while.
Don’t beat yourself up too much over your body’s reaction. This took me years to learn; it isn’t a quick fix.
One thing I noticed is that society tries to showcase traumatic responses as a norm, and while many people have them, it’s not something that should be normalized. It’s not some fun quirk or plot point in a story. It’s a true issue that should be taken seriously.
Sometimes I get flashbacks without anything triggering the memory. It just pops into my head randomly, and I’m transported back into how I felt. It sucks.
If you guys have ever seen me physically recoil, cringe or disassociate when we’re together, that’s usually what happened.
I’m getting better at controlling and lessening my reactions to triggering events, but I know this is something I’ll have to work through on a daily basis.
Know that it’s okay to feel this way; you were never supposed to be okay with traumatic experiences. This is your body processing the energy, trying to prevent that same event from happening again.
While it may be hard, you can reduce the severity of the attacks. It’s not an easy road, but if you dedicate yourself to it, you truly get stronger. You start to love yourself and the world again.
Just know recovery isn’t a straight, positive line; you will have some bumps in the road. Just because you get sad or triggered, it doesn’t mean you aren’t healing. Grieving the old you and that specific situation takes time.
Keep pushing with me. You deserve happiness.
Sincerely, Abbey