Falling Back in Love
How does one just fall in love again?
Is it as painless and exciting as it was the first time? For me, no. It’s far from that.
This was and still is one of my biggest problems I’m tackling in therapy. Week after week it grows into a bigger obstacle; there’s always a new fear or old memory resurfacing.
When you’re young, you think prince charming will sweep you off your feet. You assume it’ll be effortless, and you will never choose the wrong guy. After many many tries, I can tell you that’s far from reality.
As much as I want to say trust your gut when it comes to love, I know I shouldn’t. If it’s about any other situation or friendship, I can 100% trust my instincts, but it’s so hard to trust myself when it comes to love. In my case, my instincts led me down paths that were familiar, and not in a good way. It was just a familiar type of pain.
I have a track record of picking guys that I knew weren’t right for me. Every single guy reminded me of my past.
It was like a different font of the same relationship. It may look different, but it’s still the same consistency. It’s the same problems and emotional unavailability.
It’s funny at this point. Even though I’m very self-aware of my setbacks and fears, I still gravitate to the guys who have no understanding of mental health.
The more I ask myself why this is, the clearer it became: if he didn’t understand my problems, I wouldn’t have to fully open up. I could just say it was something he couldn’t understand. I was subconsciously self-sabotaging myself for years.
Once you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s hard to break the cycle. You get addicted to the extreme highs and terrible lows. You’ll be on cloud nine when it’s good, but when it’s bad, you won’t be able to eat or take care of yourself for days (if not weeks). It’s never stable, and you can’t predict the future.
For a while, I thought these patterns could be labeled as a “strong passion” for one another. It’s like you’re fighting against all odds to make the impossible possible; it’s riveting.
Through therapy, I found out that I clung to this toxicity because this very chaos felt like stability. Growing up in an unstable body and environment made me believe being constantly on edge in every aspect of life was normal.
I needed things to go wrong to feel in control. Sadness and confusion were my normal; it’s where I felt comfortable.
Now that I’m aware, it’s so hard for me to trust my feelings. If I start getting close to a guy, I immediately short circuit. I start thinking, “Okay Abbey, is this actually going to be different or are you starting the toxic cycle all over again? How do you know this one is better?”
And every single time, a hurricane of emotions swells in my chest. My breathing gets heavy and fast.
How will I know what is healthy if I’ve never experienced it? It’s like the blind leading the blind.
How can someone terrified of vulnerability truly find a way to be vulnerable with someone who scares them? Everything in my body screams that the good parts of a relationship are wrong, and it’s going to take practice and endless reassurance to break the pattern.
I guess I’m writing this for all of you to say that it’s okay if you aren’t ready. It’s okay to take things slow to understand your full potential.
Almost every single girl I know has their “one.” And by “one,” I mean the one relationship that ruined their perception of what love is supposed to be. It may be a universal experience in this day and age, but that doesn’t make it any less traumatic.
I’m here to tell you that you aren’t alone. This very feeling has been inside of me since I was 18, and it’s something you have to work at every single day. Unlike what people may tell you, you don’t have to move on as soon as the relationship ends.
Sometimes, you need to be by yourself to heal. It took me until I was 21 to really get comfortable with myself and my values. I had to find who I was before jumping back on the saddle.
Even then, I still made the same mistakes. Don’t be too hard on yourself if this happens; it takes time to rewire your brain to form healthy connections.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had terrible flashbacks from my first few relationships when talking to a new guy. Almost every time, I have to give myself space. If I tried to push through, I’d be crying on my bathroom floor in uncontrollable fear.
That may sound dramatic, but if you’ve experienced true heartbreak and a full loss of self, you know it’s not an exaggeration. It’s a point you never want to reach again. I know I don’t.
Love is something that can bring undeniable joy, but it can also break you. It’s a double-edged sword and is guaranteed to come with pain. No relationship is perfect.
This topic is something that I hold deeply, and I used to be so terrified of sharing my experiences and thoughts. Now, I know that almost everyone can relate to this on some level.
Remember to only let someone in when you’re ready. Truly look at yourself and ask if you are stable enough to make that leap. Either way, you have friends and family to help you back up if you made the wrong choice.
Life goes on either way, and that can be a sick comfort within itself. While you may be broken now, it will get better. It just takes time.
Sincerely, Abbey