What Not to Say to a Person with Disabilities
Some things are just better left unsaid.
Being a part of the disability community, I can say from experience there are definitely things you shouldn’t say in a conversation.
Here’s a list of my personal encounters to help lessen these run-in’s for others.
“You have so many accommodations on campus, I wish I was handicapped.”
No, no you don’t. I understand people are trying to be funny and relatable with these phrases, but it undermines all of our hardships. Yes, the accommodations are nice, but you have to realize I wouldn’t be able to do college without them.
For example, I’m allowed to miss class if my Ehlers Danlos or PoTS acts up. When I tell someone that, they think I can miss whenever I want. Want to know something? Some days I can’t even walk. Other times, if the weather is too hot, I can pass out on campus.
“This is my friend Abbey; she’s disabled.”
I used to be okay and use this one as a joke when I first discovered my disabilities, but now, it’s an insult. Being introduced by my hardships in such a belittling way makes me feel like I’m a puppet. I’m more than just my disability.
Plus, it’s my choice on how I show that part of myself to new people. Telling people all of your connective tissue doesn’t work and you have a heart condition isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do.
“What do you mean you can’t walk up four flights of stairs? It‘s not that hard.”
Yeah, maybe not for you. I’m supposed to avoid stairs at all costs because it flares up my heart condition. After one flight of stairs at home, my heart rate is 135 bpm.
Note: this goes for any situation. If a person who struggles with disabilities or setbacks tells you they can’t do something, believe them. All it does is make them feel bad about their disadvantages when it’s uncontrollable.
“Go dislocate a joint for me.”
Making fun of my dislocations is probably the most hurtful thing you could do. Not only does it ignore the severity and pain I go through, it’s also just making fun of my past trauma. I have to be so hyper aware to stop this from happening, and sometimes, that doesn’t even work.
If I joke about dislocations with you, that’s my way to cope sometimes. You’re allowed to laugh, but don’t take that as an invite to make fun of something you don’t understand. It hurts more than you know.
“If you worked out more, you wouldn’t feel this way.”
First off, I can’t exercise my disability away. I will still have my daily symptoms; trust me, I’ve tried.
Secondly, please don’t say this. While you might not mean it this way, it makes people like me feel like it’s our fault we feel this way. I can’t make it disappear by doing a plank.
“You don’t look like you have disabilities.”
This stigma has to stop. The idea that the disabled community only looks one way makes it harder for people to accept the fact that they’re struggling. At the beginning, I didn’t fully say I was disabled. This was because I didn’t feel like I looked the part. If I told anyone I was, for a while, some people would think it was a joke. Newsflash: it’s not.
“Yeah I know your pain, I sprained my ankle once.”
I know you’re trying to relate and be helpful, but you don’t know my pain. It’s a daily occurrence. Imagine an injury you had but it’s never-ending. Some days, you might only feel it slightly. Others, it’s so unbearable you can’t eat because of the pain.
Instead, ask the person how you can help them. This is much more effective than trying to relate to something you could never understand.
From one disabled person to you, be mindful of your word choices. We might brush it off and act like it didn’t bother us, but it did. Keeping this in mind can help strengthen your bond and make a person with disabilities feel seen and heard.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Hannah B.