Expectations
Sometimes, people blow you away.
They’re nothing like you’ve experienced, and it’s terrifying. You go back and forth wondering if they’re worth it. Feelings aside, you have to match their reality to your expectations.
Whether it’s a friendship or relationship, you have to keep in mind the reality of the situation. I struggled to differentiate truth from my imagination all of high school. Not only is it painful, it can be detrimental to your mental health if you don’t stop.
From my chaotic brain to yours, here are a few points I had to learn about expectations.
Remember to judge a person based on their actions, not your idealized version of them.
THIS. Please remember to be factual. I would always keep a friendship or relationship based on my brain’s own version of them. Each time, the person wouldn’t meet those expectations. It’s a toxic cycle not only for you but also the other person.
Thoughts like “They’re literally perfect” and “They will never hurt me, it’s not like them” set you up for pain. Holding someone up to the highest expectations will do nothing but hurt you. You never know if someone is planning on leaving, and you have to be prepared to be okay.
Don’t think someone is permanent in your life.
In high school, I thought I’d still be close to my friend group. Want to know something? We barely talk. Instead, I got something better: the most supportive and loving college friends out there.
When you think someone will never leave, your mind won’t be able to function. One time, I was in a depressive episode for seven months because the realization was too much. Remember, you don’t get to choose who leaves. Be okay with not having control.
My advice to you is to love your people right now because you never know when they’re gone. And when they leave, realize you will be okay. This happened for a reason. You may not see it now, but you will down the line.
Forgive, but don’t give endless second chances.
This is also a big one for me. I threw my own mental health out the window to keep someone in my life so many times. Each time I was genuinely disappointed and acted like I was okay, a part of me died. My own self diminished because I was too scared to live without that person.
Forgive, but make sure the person actually tries to fix their mistakes. If not, you’ll be taken advantage of for a long time. I can tell you this isn’t fun from personal experience.
Love yourself first.
If there’s one point I want you to take away, it’s this. Everything you allow stems from how you look at yourself. When my expectations and imagination got hold of me, I thought I wasn’t good enough.
The fact that I thought I was unlovable at 16 shows why I let so many things happen. Looking back, I realized I needed to take care of myself and my own confidence first.
Don’t push people or places away based on past hurts.
I’m preaching this to myself. I struggle to trust people because of past situations, and it’s probably the hardest thing for me to overcome. Because I had one bad relationship, my brain just assumes it needs to avoid all men. When I try to put myself out there, my anxiety skyrockets.
The same thing happens to me when I go back home. Certain places remind me of my past, and I have to stop myself from hyperventilating. Memories hurt.
This a real problem many people encounter, especially in college. Know that getting over this fear takes time, but it will get better. Sometimes, you just have to reach out for help.
You can’t mold someone into your perfect partner.
You’ve either said or heard one of your friends say “I can fix him!” Most of the time, you can’t. They might not even need to be fixed; they just aren’t right for you. No matter how much you want someone to live up to your expectations, you have to understand some people aren’t an ideal fit.
This goes hand-in-hand with second chances. When you think you can “fix” somebody, it just hurts you. Not only does it hurt you, it could hurt your friend or partner. Unless someone wants to get better, they will not change. You can’t force someone. Instead, move on. It might sound cliché, but both you and the other person deserve better.
Well, there you have it. I hope my list from my past hurts helps give you clarity. Remember reality, not your expectations about someone.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Abbey C.