Not Running
You know that moment when you meet someone new and immediately think, “I know you’re going to be trouble”? Yeah, me too.
It actually happened recently, and to this day, I still have that feeling.
I haven’t felt this in a very long time, let me tell you. What irritates me is that it’s something I can’t control.
And as y’all know, control is something I value highly. If I don’t have it, I’ll bolt 90% of the time.
But this certain situation is the 10% that keeps me in my seat. I may be anxious, but I haven’t left. And as my therapist tells me, not leaving says something.
He’s definitely right about that.
When we first started talking, I felt a spark— still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
All I know is that it definitely caught my attention. I started noticing from that moment on.
When I’m interested in someone (whether it’s romantically or platonic), I’ll watch their actions. I keep mental notes on their interactions and how they behave around me.
I don’t know why, but it’s like a fun little game of Clue.
I’ll sit there, studying mannerisms as I think, “Do they really like me or do they behave this way with everyone? Am I overthinking this? Duh Abbey, you definitely are overthinking if you even have to ask that.”
The beginning of any kind of relationship always sends me into a spiral.
As a recovering people pleaser, I have to remind myself to stay genuine. I can’t act a certain way just to make sure I’m entertaining someone; I need to be me. I’m not responsible for someone else’s opinion of me.
If someone doesn’t like me, I shouldn’t care to be around them. I should stay close to those who put in effort and lift me up.
But while I write and believe that, there’s still the inner child in me that’s absolutely terrified of rejection. I’m pretty sure she’ll always be there.
It’s like the adult and child version of myself argue constantly.
“But what if they leave you?” my inner child would cry. “You let them go. If they leave they were never yours to begin with,” the adult inside says back.
Deep down, I know this inner battle isn’t going anywhere. It’ll be a regular occurrence until I’m able to completely trust a guy again. But even then, there will be snippets and flashbacks of fear and pain.
Just because you’re over something doesn’t mean you forget how it made you feel. The feelings are a reminder in every interaction and glance with someone new— at least for me it is.
Do I want this certain guy to make a move? Absolutely, but I’m not going to force anything. It’s going to be a little game of cat and mouse, and I like the pace that it’s going.
So even if it stays the same and doesn’t grow, I’m proud of myself for not running. I know I’ll be okay if we stay friends or transform into something more.
And if you’re in the same situation, I just want to say I am so proud of you. You deserve to be happy.
Sincerely, Abbey