The ‘Almost’ Relationship
Waiting for someone to be ready for a relationship will doom you from the start. If they aren’t ready now, how long will it take?
One month? One year? Maybe forever?
Catching feelings for an emotionally unavailable guy is my specialty. The experience has its highs and lows, but I can always count on leaving disappointed.
“I know I deserve better. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don’t understand,” I’d say to my therapist.
“It might be because you’re scared of someone that is upfront and honest with you about their feelings,” he said back. He’s right, like always.
I hide behind chaos as a way to avoid getting emotionally attached to someone. The uncertainty within emotional turmoil is comfortable. Entering a secure relationship is when my anxiety and trust issues skyrocket.
There are still lessons to be learned through the confusion. As my blog comeback, I thought it would be fun to share a few pointers I gained from undefined relationships.
You shouldn’t be confused by someone’s feelings towards you.
This seems obvious, but so many times we avoid the red flags in front of us. It’s an adrenaline rush to try and solve a mystery in front of you.
My friends and I will analyze an interaction with a guy until we physically can’t anymore. It’s become prime-time entertainment at this point.
But the harsh reality is that if someone gives you mixed signals, they aren’t ready for a relationship. You can’t wait for someone to choose you.
That’s the equivalent of stopping at a green light in 5 o’clock traffic. People are honking at you to move on, but you’re stuck. “What if the light turns blue? I wouldn’t want to miss that,” you think to yourself. That obviously will never happen, but you can’t shake the idea. So, you wait.
Next thing you know, people are passing you, yelling at your inability to move. Life passes you by as you wait for the inevitable to happen: the light never turns blue.
You shouldn’t have to convince someone to like you. If it was meant to happen, you’d know. Would you really want your future partner to be that unsure about you?
Sometimes you like the excitement of an “almost” rather than the actual relationship.
A complicated relationship is a two-way street. For me, the idea of confrontation is terrifying. I’d rather stay within the confusion than confirm that what’s happening is real. When things are defined, it’s scary.
The thrill of someone liking you without the responsibility of facing your own relationship insecurities feels like a win-win situation. But all it does is keep you from developing healthy connections. It can become a never-ending cycle of toxicity.
Just because someone likes you doesn’t mean they want to be with you in the long run.
One word: ouch.
That’s why it’s so important to avoid “situationships” in this day and age. If you continue to develop feelings, it’s harder to leave later on. This can cause detrimental damage to any other romantic connection you might try to form (I am speaking from experience here).
You shouldn’t be saying “I love you” to someone who can’t even romantically commit to you. Don’t rely on the feeling if their actions don’t align. You deserve more than a halfway love.
Yes, answering the 3 a.m. call while they’re tipsy can be fun in the moment, but it’s not healthy.
Chemistry doesn’t equal connection.
Getting along with someone is only half of the equation. Good conversation can light the flame of a connection, but it won’t be steady. That flame can grow out of control or completely burn out. Maintenance, reliability and consistency make a relationship.
Chemistry is just a spark; it’s time to search for the match instead.
If this is how much you like the wrong person, imagine how it will feel when you meet the right one.
It’s true. If you can care for someone who’s wrong for you so strongly, imagine how much better it would be in a healthy relationship.
The thought of being in a stable relationship is terrifying for me, but that’s just because I assume it’s going to turn sour. I have a feeling this viewpoint will change once I’m in a secure relationship.
I require someone to admit their feelings first.
Every single guy I’ve admitted feelings to first has turned out to be less assertive, and that’s not what I want. This usually meant I was the one planning dates or texting first. It always made me feel unwanted, and I just want someone to choose me for once.
After three years of therapy, I’ve learned this isn’t a bad thing to wish for. Never set your standards low.
Loving someone shouldn’t hurt.
This one cut deep.
I’ve always stayed longer than I should because I didn’t want to hurt someone else. I ended up causing myself great pain waiting for a guy to change when, deep down, I knew he never would.
If you’re upset for most of your relationship, that’s your queue to leave. Yes, disagreements happen, but it shouldn’t be constantly painful. Leaving doesn’t mean you “gave up.” It means you know you need more in a partnership to be happy. Putting your happiness first isn’t selfish, especially when it comes to relationships.
Choosing someone who doesn’t choose you stems from fear and insecurity. If you get with someone you know is going to disappoint you, you think it won’t hurt as much because it was expected. After years of making this mistake, I can say that is only partially true.
The pain I’ve experienced from one “almost” led me to stay in a never-ending cycle for years. If I was talking to someone else, he was always waiting in the wings.
When I finally allowed myself to let him go, another one took his place. The only difference is this time I knew better. Instead of waiting years to create boundaries, it only took a few months of confusion. Yes, it did hurt to give up, but I know I’m going to be okay.
Choose clarity instead of confusion; it will save you so much time in the long run. We shouldn’t be stressing about someone’s intentions at 20+ years old. It’s time to face your feelings and turn it into action.
Sincerely, Abbey