‘Why don’t you date?’
“Abbey, why don’t you date anyone? You can tell me. You have to be hiding something,” a friend of mine would say to me as a joke.
“I’m just struggling to trust a guy in that way again. Nothing crazy,” I’d respond with a forced laugh.
I’ve learned to brush this type of comment off. But in reality, I don’t jump into relationships because of my past attempts. I experience uncontrollable anxiety every single time I try to date someone new.
It’s crazy honestly; I remember having a full-blown anxiety attack one night, and the boy I was seeing at the time didn’t do anything to trigger it.
I was just terrified that we were getting closer, and it’s an emotion I have to feel to overcome.
You know what made my panic worse? He introduced me to his parents not even a week after this episode. From that moment on, fear overtook every interaction. I was stuck in the past, reliving old memories.
That wasn’t his fault; how was he supposed to know I would react that way?
“I didn’t know your stress was that bad,” he said to me. “I’m sorry, we can take it slower if you want.”
I nodded, I but decided to end it right there. He wasn’t my person in the long run, but I was mad I couldn’t keep him around a little bit longer.
This was the first time in over two years I let myself care for someone.
Every therapy session while I was in this relationship was about my anxiety.
“Remember Abbey, you can always leave when you need to. You aren’t trapped,” my therapist would say to me.
“I know, but I don’t want to run away every single time,” I’d say back.
“You should be proud you’re allowing yourself to try to date to begin with. We haven’t talked about relationships like this for a long time,” he said.
My therapist was right, like always. I just wish healing wasn’t this difficult. Fighting myself mentally during every romantically-laced interaction is exhausting.
I’m too independent for my own good; I know that. Everyone around me knows that.
It’s hard not to be when my entire body is a mystery in itself. All I do is get sick over and over again; my health is completely out of my control.
How can I trust someone to care for me when I’m a medical wildcard?
Not to mention, in one of my first serious relationships I felt like a total burden for this reason. I had just been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and I never had the energy or strength to drive.
“Why do I always have to pick you up? Can you not drive?” he’d say. I felt guilty every time. I didn’t even want to use a handicap placard around him.
Finding out you’re disabled in high school is life changing. It was the first time a doctor looked me in the eye and said I wasn’t normal— that something actually was wrong with me.
Even though I know my limitations, to this day I still struggle telling guys I talk to that I’m disabled. I want to play pretend a little bit to see their personalities and if I can trust them with that information.
It’s kind of a mic drop moment in dating for me. Every time, the guy never sees it coming because I obviously don’t “look” sick.
Unless you know me, you probably would never guess I go to doctors at least two or three times a week during a flare up.
Every single break from school I’ve had resulted in me coming back home for a doctor appointment. I mean it, every single break.
I can’t have normal spring break vacations to the beach or study abroad for this reason alone. So yes, I am young, but I don’t feel the carefree, adventurous spirit that usually accompanies youth.
I see myself as an elderly woman stuck in a youthful-looking body.
The last year I felt free was the summer before my senior year of high school. Even then, I was still constantly tired and in pain.
At least at that age, I was able to hang out with multiple people every single day. Now, I have to have a whole day of rest after every hangout I commit to.
To circle back to the main point of this article, the combination of my sickness and past relationship experiences makes it a true struggle to date anyone.
I’m battling both my mental and physical roadblocks with every text.
So, it’s kind of funny to see people question why I’m not dating. If you were in my body, I have a feeling you’d be the same as me.
Most days, I think it’s better to be alone so I can focus on myself and not worry anyone else.
I don’t want to rely on someone during a health crisis just for them to leave. That alone makes my illnesses a thousand times worse.
Will I ever date again? Most likely. Is it going to take longer for me to get to that point with someone? Absolutely, but I’m proud to even admit the fact that it’s a possibility.
You never know the struggles keeping someone from an intimate relationship. Usually, it’s a combination of many factors. I know for me it definitely is.
Sincerely, Abbey