The “Independent” Friend
People desire to be okay with every aspect of themselves, and this is what people mean when they tell me I’m the most independent person they know. Little do they know, this isn’t the only reason I’m so independent.
Do I love who I am? Yeah, definitely. I’m secure in who I am as a person and what I stand for. Here’s the problem: I’m not secure with other people. Instead of relying on someone, I want to rely only on myself.
Intimacy is hard, and it still takes me a while to even consider it as a genuine possibility in my own life.
When I say “intimacy” I’m not only talking about romantic relationships. Sometimes, it’s even hard to get personal with close friends. I don’t like asking anyone for help, period.
For some reason, my brain thinks I can handle every aspect of my life. Newsflash… I can’t.
First off, I’m not normal. My body has life-altering disabilities; I’m in constant pain. I also have severe anxiety, and some days I can barely get out of bed. All I can do is stare at a wall in the dark.
So yes, I am “independent,” but it’s to the point where it’s unhealthy. Hyper-independence just means you don’t trust anyone. The only person you trust 100% of the time is yourself, and it’s a lonely place to be.
You may look at my achievements, good grades and secure sense of self and think everything is okay. I mean, unless you see how much connections terrify me, my life looks extremely successful and driven. I have to tell myself it’s too driven—too independent.
Seeing someone only rely on themselves isn’t a desired trait; it’s something that stems from anxiety, fear and mistrust. It’s an obstacle to overcome, not a trendy, “girl boss” characteristic.
Recognizing this is the first step to healing, and you have to be mindful that your brain is playing tricks on you. It’s hard to realize this when it’s all you’ve known.
From me to you, be patient with people relearning how to trust the world. We don’t mean to blow you off or cut contact for a few days; we’re just terrified for our safety. It’s like your entire world is under attack.
Don’t try and constantly push someone like this to rely on you. All that does is scare us away; be patient, and we may open ourselves up again.
Now, you may be wondering, “Abbey, what even made you want to write about this?”
People strive to be overly independent, and that’s because they think it’s just self-confident. I wanted to say there’s so much more to being super independent. Usually, there’s a reason someone is that way.
Be friends with people, love each other and don’t shy away from connections. Work and independent achievements can wait; learn about the people and world around you. Trust me, the world wants to know who you are too.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Hannah B.