Scared of Goodness
Sometimes, I think the good things in life are scarier than the disappointments.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself, it’s that I have a hard time trusting things can actually be good. I’ll always think there’s a catch—no matter how big or small.
In my past, every good thing came to a terrible end. Most of the time, it ended with no explanation. It was just over—as if it never happened in the first place. Even some of my accomplishments I should’ve been proud of had negative responses that still affect me to this day.
Opening yourself up to a good situation can be terrifying. The more you want something to happen, the more power you give it to hurt you.
I had a therapy session recently that honestly left me shocked for a few days, and I’m still thinking about it as I’m writing.
Figuring out why you’re scared of something, whether it’s a situation or relationship, is a lot more complex than you’d think. I had no idea until I was forced to face it. Yes, past experiences can hinder you, but have you ever thought about how your present self could also be holding you back? Yeah, me either.
Trust and loyalty go a long way, but it only works if you open yourself up to it. If you don’t, you’ll never let anyone in.
It’s weird, I know. My brain is stupid sometimes; I don’t know how to explain it.
Letting someone in completely and telling them everything about my life is terrifying for me to even think about. I short circuit and immediately close off again.
This was a key point of conversation in my most recent therapy session, and I had no idea how many factors actually caused this fear for me.
From past experiences to my own disability, every part of me just freezes thinking of letting anyone get the full picture. Not even my close friends fully know everything about who I am.
Now you may be thinking, “Abbey, you’ve been so open about your mental health ever since you started writing freshman year. What do you mean you’re closed off?”
While I’m open about my mental health, it’s to help others. It’s obviously not the full picture. And also, it’s just easier for me to write my thoughts for all of you wonderful people to read. I’m basically just talking to myself; you guys are just reading my inner monologue.
Writing has helped me open myself up more, but there are still many mountains left to climb. I have some tall obstacles in front of me right now, and honestly, I’m proud I haven’t shut down yet.
Where am I going with this blog post? No clue. I don’t have points or any intentions—I’m just writing what I feel is right.
All of my friends ask me for advice about relationships, self-esteem and goals. If I’m thinking about the perfect fix for another person, it’s easy for me to come up with an answer. If I try to apply that same advice to me, it doesn’t work. See the problem?
I hope you liked my random thoughts. Sometimes, things don’t have a set direction, and that’s okay. Life is messy and humanity is complex—there’s no easy solution when it comes to personal problems.
All you can do is hold on and enjoy the ride. So, buckle up; life doesn’t slow down no matter how much you want it to.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Ashley C.S.