Power
“I understand why you were freaking out, but I also don’t want them to take away any of your power,” my therapist said in a recent session.
When he said this, it made me stop in my tracks.
Did I really let someone take my power, even if it was just for a split second? How do I stop myself from responding to uncomfortable situations with fear?
I never correlated my self-growth to “power,” but that’s such a good way to frame it. I mean, of course my therapist knows what to say. He’s literally the best.
One of my biggest struggles is confrontation. Everyone close to me knows this; I will get physically sick when I tell someone they hurt me. I’m not sure how to stop my emotional sickness, but when I do, I’ll give you guys the cheat sheet.
If you read one of my last blog posts, you know that the unexpected can be a terrifying thing for me.
My first reaction to turmoil is to freeze. I transform into a deer in the headlights, thinking “Ok, if I stay still, they won’t come up to me. I’ll be completely invisible.”
News flash: this obviously doesn’t stop people from seeing you. If anything, they might look at you more if you’re frozen in time. No one does that, weirdo.
So going back to my therapy session, I never thought of this immediate halt in my personality as a loss of power.
Every ounce of joy and personality leaves my body the moment I feel uncomfortable. I shouldn’t let people from my past shatter my happiness for the sake of short-term security. How is that fair to me?
This reaction stems from years of people pleasing. In high school, I’d always let others go before me. If they were upset, I’d find any way to make them better– even if that meant hurting myself.
I thought I was being selfless, but in reality, I was being self-destructive.
The thought of anyone not liking me would’ve left me sick for days. I wanted every single person around me to see my façade as truth when it was far from it.
I remember dislocating my knee at my junior year prom, and I didn’t make a big deal about it. Afterwards, I had my date drive me home to grab a Tylenol and ice pack. My knee hurt for weeks, but I kept quiet.
When I was upset with someone, I’d never confront them. It took an abundance of strength to even say, “We need to talk.”
Those from my past relationships know this for a fact. Every single one listened to me dance around the issue. For the first 30 minutes, I’d just awkwardly laugh and say I had this “thing” I needed to talk about.
The last guy I was seeing used to tease me about it every single time. If I needed to tell him something, there was a lot of, “C’mon Abbey, just say it. Stop changing the subject and making jokes. Confrontation is really your kryptonite, huh?”
Conflict is absolutely my kryptonite. I’ll own up to that.
I hate being vulnerable, and I never want people to see me cry. If you’re someone who’s seen me puffy eyed, just know I trust you with my life.
I’m the type of person that suffers in silence. I’d rather feel my emotions on my own and tell friends when I’m over it.
I flee from empathy when I’m at my lowest. It doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable when people are watching.
That logic doesn’t make any sense, I know, but it’s how I’ve always handled sadness and stress. It’s why no one knew I was struggling mentally for a very long time.
Here’s the thing: emotion is power. Feelings make you who you are; it doesn’t matter if they’re positive or negative. Expressing yourself doesn’t make you dramatic; it makes you human.
So, if you’re like me, remember that your power is precious. No one can take it away from you, not even yourself. You can hide it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Learn that showing vulnerability isn’t a bad thing. You don’t have to be “fine” all the time. No one is, and it’s okay to hurt every once and a while.
Once the sadness ends, joy will find its way back into your life. All you need are the little things to bring happiness back: a coffee on a rainy day, smiling at a stranger as you cross the street or catching up with a friend.
Every piece of the human experience makes your power. Now, it’s up to you; do you want to share it with the world or keep it under lock and key?
Personally, I think I’m going to share it. Our power is worth showing.
Sincerely, Abbey