Facing a New Year
In the wee hours of the morning of January 1st, 2022, I lay in my bed scrolling through my camera roll.
I had just finished ringing in the new year with a few friends and I wanted to look back on my life in 2021. After all, everybody was posting their 2021 highlight reels on Instagram and TikTok.
But when I started to scroll through, a common theme overtook my memories: pain. I saw screenshots representing really broken relationships, pages of books talking about how to let go and move on, close friends leaving, website screenshots of what to do with the confusion and fear I was feeling, pictures of me smiling and happy that didn’t show the tears I cried that night, a new normal that wasn’t what I thought it would be, the sting of rejection, tragedies in the lives of friends and family.
Behind every photo, I saw the never-ending inner battle growing stronger. I remembered the demons I was fighting, and I knew they were still there. A new year didn’t fully mean a new me.
All of a sudden, I wasn’t so hopeful for 2022. How could I know it wasn’t going to bring just as much hardship, just as many secret tears?
I remembered what I’ve always known but prefer to forget: Hard things happen. And they will keep happening.
That sounds cynical, and maybe it is, but it’s real. That doesn’t mean amazing, wonderful things won’t happen. It just means this world is broken and life probably won’t be a dainty walk through a perfectly manicured garden.
I realized something else—I was tired of wishing for things to be different. Tired of cowering in the corner just hoping that nothing else would go wrong. Tired of living life in fear of getting hurt, fear of being disappointed, fear of anything really.
For some reason, “The Lord of the Rings” came to my mind. I haven’t read those books or seen those movies in years, and they’re not even particularly my favorite, but all of a sudden, I thought of their characters and plot.
Bad things happen to those characters. They fight bloody, hard battles. But every time, they stand up and fight again, running out to meet their enemies with a brave battle cry. They don’t get knocked down once and stay down there and cry. No, they get back up and fight on— for freedom and for good.
I want that to be me. Too often I get knocked down once and stay down, feeling sorry for myself and scared to get up because I don’t want to be knocked down again.
No more.
Today, I resolve to face my hardships head on. To know that things won’t always be easy but that I’m going to fight for joy, victory and goodness in the face of darkness. And I know I won’t be able to do that perfectly, but I’m sure as heck going to try.
I can’t control what comes my way, and that’s just a fact. But I can control how I react to it. And I want that reaction to be one of bravery, and not one of dread.
Ben Rector said it best in his song Fear:
I’ve been scared to death of failing
Scared that I’d look like a fool
And I’d rather quit than risk that I could lose
Now I’m not proud of that position
But it’s the hand that I’ve been dealt
And as far as I’m concerned
That hand can go to hell.
2022 might bring its fair share of hard things, just like last year, but here’s hoping, as Ben said, that we learn to dance with the fear that we’ve been running from.
Sincerely, Hannah
Photography: Abbey C.