Discovering ADHD
Recently, I’ve started to go to therapy. Let me tell you, it’s been the smartest decision I’ve ever made.
Feelings and past events are hard to navigate on your own, and I needed to finally address a lot of issues. After the first session, I found out a lot of events have a longer-lasting effect than I realized.
Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I struggled with anxiety and depression. It’s always been a part of who I am, but what I didn’t realize was that there’s actually so much more.
On my second session of therapy, I was diagnosed with ADHD.
Now, did I ever consider myself someone who had this? Absolutely not. I just thought I got distracted every once and a while. The more my therapist explained the disorder to me, the more my life started to click. I just blamed my symptoms on other things.
With that being said, here are some of the symptoms and problems I discovered.
My perfectionistic, deadline-obsessed brain.
I’ve always said “I work best under stress.” Now I understand that’s because the only way my brain focuses is under extreme stress. In high school, I ran many school publications and molded my life around deadlines. It was a rush finishing everything in one night.
Well, as I found out, that’s a symptom of ADHD. Unlike most people, I can only work in short bursts of energy (usually about 30 minutes to an hour). This hyper-focus experience isn’t something I can describe.
Think of these short bursts as a timed competition. If someone is on the show “Minute to Win It” or “Wipeout,” their focus relies soly on finishing the course to the best of their ability. For some reason, my brain will do this the night before an assignment is due.
The inability to work ahead.
Now, because of the rush of energy, it’s difficult for me to space out an assignment. Unless the assignment’s due date is close, my brain will work at 45% efficiency. I’ll try and force myself to start my work whenever I’m unmotivated, but I will easily get distracted. I’m basically battling myself to get things done.
Uncontrollable thoughts.
Hyper fixations are a big part of ADHD. When my brain clings to a thought, I can’t get it out of my head. Because of this, it’s incredibly hard for me to sleep at night.
For example, let’s look back at this school semester. Each night, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until at least 4 a.m. even if I tried to go to sleep early. Every time I get in bed, lights off, my brain starts thinking of scenarios and past events.
Once that happens, there is always one bad event fixated in my head. As much as I try to get it out of my head, I can’t. This problem is something I’ve been dealing with since I was 15. I just thought other people experienced this, and it was a normal thing. Newsflash: it isn’t.
A 24/7 inner monologue.
Uncontrollable fixations comes with a never-ending stream of internal dialogue. I really thought everyone dealt with their brain’s incoherent rambles every second of the day. After my second therapy session, I realized I was completely wrong.
My love for fast-paced activities.
I learned from my therapist that my ADHD might’ve been a reason I loved volleyball so much. It isn’t hard to focus on a ball coming right at you. Along with that, I also learned this might be why I love photography so much.
Just like volleyball, photography is a face-moving hobby. It takes perfect timing and sometimes sheer luck to capture that perfect photo.
Not being able to stick to one topic in a conversation.
My thoughts are all over the place. I could be telling someone a story and go off on multiple unrelated subplots. I also sometimes have a hard time listening. Because of the ADHD, I can get distracted by my thoughts mid-conversation. I don’t mean to; I just can’t control it sometimes.
I never thought I struggled with distractibility. Once my therapist explained the signs and symptoms, I realized everything I thought was normal wasn’t. Now, I’m able to get medication to help me focus and be the best person I can be.
For anyone considering therapy, I strongly urge that you go. Take this mini sliver of my experience as your sign. You aren’t weak to get help. If anything, it makes you stronger. Facing problems head-on is the scariest thing anyone can do.
Get help, and understand yourself fully. I know you’ve got this.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Kaelyn V. and Abbey C.