Conquering Fear
My biggest fear is intimacy.
The idea of letting someone get that close to me only results in anxiety attacks and distance. At the same time, it’s something I desperately want. Now, how did I get stuck with this paradox? One word: trauma.
Friends are one thing, but when someone wants to be more than friends, I overanalyze every aspect of the relationship. This fear of mine has caused me to push good people away while also keeping a safe, friendly distance from the ones I want to pull close. It’s stressful.
I think I’m writing this to really figure out my feelings, but if someone out there reading this is in the same boat, I really hope this helps you as well. Am I going to publish this? I guess we’ll see. If you’re reading this: congrats (also, go me for being vulnerable).
I don’t even know where exactly to start on this issue. It’s like a gigantic maze with traps around every corner. I’m not even quite sure if I understand this fear myself, and that’s the scary thing.
Loss is just something I don’t want to experience ever again. After losing so many people, I guess my brain decided I shouldn’t let anyone else in. My mind just doesn’t want to depend on anyone but myself.
My heart? That’s a completely different answer. My heart tells me to let them in, tell them about my past, and every aspect of my dreams. I want to know people on that level again, and I want to be seen for who I truly am.
It’s a case of Jekyll and Hyde. I’m just experiencing a war within myself. Some days, it’s overwhelming. I’ll shut down and turn off my phone for hours just so no one can reach me. The logic short circuits with the amount of fallacies found within myself. My brain can’t understand it, and I just shut down.
If someone likes me, I honestly have no idea how to respond. Explaining how I feel in person is probably the hardest thing for me. I’m this happy person in person, but when I’m alone, it’s a different story. Writing is just the way to get all of my overwhelming thoughts on paper, and I couldn’t be more thankful that I found it.
I guess my main point from this late-night ramble session is that I want that intimacy back. I want someone to know me like the back of their hand and not be scared about that.
Right now, at 12:53 a.m., I’ve decided to allow myself to love. Will I be perfect? No, but I’ll work at it every day. Don’t miss out on the best part of life because of your past. All that does is take away the positives in your future. Open your mind to new possibilities and be free.
I believe in you.
Sincerely, Abbey
Photography: Abbey C. and Alyssa T.