Change
Do you ever miss someone you shouldn’t? Yeah, me too.
It’s one of the most conflicting experiences. You know you’re better off, yet you can’t help but reminisce on the good parts. And there were so many good parts.
How couldn’t there be? I have a soft spot for a reason. Notice how I used have, not had.
That’s one of the hardest things about human connection— you can’t turn off your feelings for someone. No matter how much you want to flip that switch, it’s jammed.
You sit there, staring at the locked switch, hoping it turns off on its own. Will the light dim over time and slowly go dark? Or, will it stay lit forever?
No one knows, and you can’t guesstimate how long the flame of emotion will linger.
The light will evaporate into thin air if you’re lucky. But all it takes is one glance to reignite the flame, taking you back to square one.
It’s a scary feeling. I know that if I talk to this person again, I’ll remember why I kept them around. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns, but at the same time, the exit is narrow and grueling.
While I loved talking with them, I know I deserve more. I shouldn’t have to worry about when they’ll disappear next.
An on-and-off connection is probably one of the worst things to exist— especially if you’re not the person controlling the breaks.
One thing I never want in a friendship or relationship is emotional abandonment. When I consider someone a close friend, we usually stay in touch.
I used to accept relationships that put me on the front row of an emotional rollercoaster. It would twist and turn through intense vulnerability and deafening silence.
This cycle was something my therapist recently told me I needed to break.
“Abbey, I really wish you’d pick a guy that’d be straight up with how he feels. You always go for confusion,” he said to me.
Was my therapist right? Absolutely. Did I want to stop? No, not at all.
The deeper we dove, the more I understood why this kept happening. I was drawn to blurred lines to mask my fear of rejection.
Confusion felt safe because there wasn’t a straight answer. I didn’t have to worry about messing something up if I had no idea what it was. That way, I’d get the butterflies without the fear of intimacy. There was an unspoken tension that remained in the stillness.
If I focus on an unavailable contender, I won’t have to entertain those who actually want to know me. It was a win-win in my mind. In my therapist’s mind, it was self-destructive.
Were there sassy comebacks when he called me out? Absolutely, but I know he was right in the long run.
The bad habits are interwoven with tiny sprinkles of joy. I thought the little moments were enough, but they weren’t.
The only reason I was trapped in the haze was because of my own insecurities and trauma.
In fact, there were small glimpses of clear intentions in this one situation. But every time I saw them, the sirens blared.
I tried my hardest to shut down the situation. My first reaction was to flee, even though I trusted and cared about this person.
I couldn’t help myself; it’s all I’ve known how to do. Running away is one of the only ways I feel safe.
All of this to say, healing sucks. It’s hard to rewire your brain and fight your inner toxicity.
When something alters your perception, you never see the world the same. Something you saw as pure is now a threat. Something deadly is now seen as comfortable.
Your brain adapts to try and protect itself from pain, whether it’s physical or emotional. The choices you make may feel cushioned, but they can also hurt you in the long run.
The first step of recovery is acceptance. It’s okay to acknowledge you’re choosing the wrong things as a way of protection. Everyone self-sabotages in different ways. It’s what makes us human.
So, the next time you’re missing someone who isn’t the best for you, realize that’s completely okay. Your feelings are valid.
It’s perfectly acceptable to grieve something that never happened, and it’s okay to miss someone that hurt you.
Just because they caused pain doesn’t mean you didn’t share positive memories. The bad doesn’t always outweigh the good, and there was a reason you cared about them in the first place.
Life works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, the people you love disappear. There doesn’t have to be a huge fight to drift apart … people can leave completely out of the blue.
Just remember: someone leaving doesn’t diminish your self worth. Your light shouldn’t fade when they disappear.
New connections can walk into your life as quickly as old flames dissipate. That’s what makes life so beautiful.
When one door closes, another one opens. Standing still in-between the two doorways does nothing but delay your own happiness.
Change may be terrifying, but it’s also how we grow. Never stop growing, ever.
Sincerely, Abbey